Here we go again...

I thought I was pretty much done telling people to mind their own beeswax about the whole "I only have one kid" thing. And then I saw this, courtesy of Huffington Post:

Do not ask parents of boys if they want a girl. Do not ask parents of girls if they want a boy. Do not ask parents of one child when they're going to have another. Do not ask parents of multiple children why they have so many. There's no reason for it. It's none of your business. And you have no idea what the family has gone through, child-wise.

Oh, people. Did we really just go there? Did you really just force this mom of two beautiful boys to defend why she's not trying for a girl?

I don't know about you, but instead of focusing on what I don't have (any girls OR more than one boy), I'm choosing to focus on what I do have: an amazing, brilliant, smart-mouthed, sassy-pants, video-game-playing, bookworm of a miracle baby boy. And whether I have more in my future or want to try for a girl or decide to have my tubes tied tomorrow is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

It's complicated

I think part of the reason I have such a hard time with people who want to know whether there will ever be another wonder child is that I don't have a yes or no answer. Sometimes life isn't black and white, you know? The idea of another baby around is fun... I love holding other people's and I miss that soft warm snuggle into the neck. But I'm also glad the diaper-changing and the midnight feedings are behind me.

Would I welcome it? Sure I would. Would I seek it out? That's harder to say. The biology of my own situation makes the answer easier for me - I know I don't want to deal with the expense and the stress of the fertility assistance that would be required. But if my biology was out of the picture? I have no idea.

Been there, done that, got the stretch marks

I keep going back to the idea that somehow I am less of a mother because I only have one kid. I wonder if anybody ever said that to the mothers of the four presidents who are only children? (Well, OK - all of them had half-siblings, but let's not get picky about it.)

It's like people who make a point of saying "this is so and so's adopted daughter." Isn't that a little insulting? If she adopted the child, it's her child. She is still a mother. She still kisses boo-boos and changes diapers and runs carpools and all the other things that make a mom a mom.

At the end of the day (or at least, by the time the kid's in his 30s), if you managed to teach him right from wrong, and how to hope and dream and dare, and that all people deserve to be loved, and generally how to be self-sufficient - you are a mother to someone, and you've done your job.

What's your snappy comeback?

I admit, I never really know what to say when people want to know if there will ever be another Boy or Girl Wonder in the family. Do you err on the side of embarrassing the rude people and detail your personal fertility status? Do you go for funny? Do you bluntly answer it's none of their business?

I love some of the suggestions from these moms. But I am always looking for good ideas for snappy comebacks.

So far my favorite is honesty, followed by, "And how were your children conceived?"

More on role reversals

When you're the mom of an only child, you spend a lot of time wearing the hats of the other people who aren't in your child's life. The Boy Wonder, for example, treats me at times like his mom (which I am), a best friend or a big sister (which, obviously, I am not).

This can be good or bad... but I choose to see it as good. He tells me things I would never have told my mother. I love that I will pick him up from school and he will confide in me in a way I never could with my parents. Not that I didn't love them, but there were some things I reserved for my big sister or brother, things I thought they'd understand better. He still wants to spend time with me. I'm still cool. I keep waiting for him to decide he doesn't want to be seen with me in public. It hasn't happened yet. He likes to ride bikes with him mom. He likes to help me walk our two dogs. He loves to snuggle up next to me on the couch while I read my book and he reads his.

The downside - I don't think the Boy Wonder forms close friendships with kids his own age as easily as other kids do. I don't know whether that's because of the only child thing - I suspect there are other factors at play in his personality - but I wouldn't be surprised if it plays a part. He spends all his time with grown-ups (namely, me and his dad), so he relates better to those who are older than him than he does his classmates. I haven't figured out how to help him with that - or whether I even should. I don't know whether it's better to hold back and let him make those connections when and if he wants to - or if I should encourage him to make play dates. Certainly he plays just fine with the kids his age at recess - and tells me all about it when he gets into the Mini-van of Awesome (TM) after school. But there's no one I would identify as his best friend. And I don't honestly know. Is that my fault?

Who's the parent?

I find that a lot of the time, my only child, the Boy Wonder, tries to parent me instead of the other way around. He's fiercely independent and strong-willed (did I mention strong-willed?), so he thinks he knows better than we do anyway. But I guess if you spend all your time around grown-ups, you start to take a grown-up perspective on things.

So of course I struggle with that. For example, today, we had kind of a stand-off over the Wearing of the Coat. He doesn't think he needs it. I do. He thinks he knows best. I don't. I'm guessing that's not out of the ordinary for his age group, with or without siblings - the need to assert independence and push boundaries. But then there's the other side of that - when he thinks he knows what's best for ME.

Tonight, the Boy Wonder noted the time and pointed out it was past my bedtime (job hazard - his bedtime is, in fact, after mine). Sigh. Didn't realize I still had a curfew.

Linky linky

Who's up for some resources? I mean, if we're going to have a party and start a club, let's really do it.

First, AMEN SISTER to every thing on this list. I am actually kind of dying to ask the next person who asks me how the Boy Wonder was conceived about their sex life.

And can I get another AMEN SISTER for this one? I lost so much respect for Elizabeth Banks. Sigh.

Advice to the parent of the only child, here.

I can so relate to this woman's plight, too. Got any words of wisdom for her? Or me? I always feel like the only mom with only one kid in the line to pick up my son from school.

On those lines - why not see if you can find some other moms of onlies? Meetup.com has a searchable-by-zip feature for you.