It's complicated

I think part of the reason I have such a hard time with people who want to know whether there will ever be another wonder child is that I don't have a yes or no answer. Sometimes life isn't black and white, you know? The idea of another baby around is fun... I love holding other people's and I miss that soft warm snuggle into the neck. But I'm also glad the diaper-changing and the midnight feedings are behind me.

Would I welcome it? Sure I would. Would I seek it out? That's harder to say. The biology of my own situation makes the answer easier for me - I know I don't want to deal with the expense and the stress of the fertility assistance that would be required. But if my biology was out of the picture? I have no idea.

Been there, done that, got the stretch marks

I keep going back to the idea that somehow I am less of a mother because I only have one kid. I wonder if anybody ever said that to the mothers of the four presidents who are only children? (Well, OK - all of them had half-siblings, but let's not get picky about it.)

It's like people who make a point of saying "this is so and so's adopted daughter." Isn't that a little insulting? If she adopted the child, it's her child. She is still a mother. She still kisses boo-boos and changes diapers and runs carpools and all the other things that make a mom a mom.

At the end of the day (or at least, by the time the kid's in his 30s), if you managed to teach him right from wrong, and how to hope and dream and dare, and that all people deserve to be loved, and generally how to be self-sufficient - you are a mother to someone, and you've done your job.

What's your snappy comeback?

I admit, I never really know what to say when people want to know if there will ever be another Boy or Girl Wonder in the family. Do you err on the side of embarrassing the rude people and detail your personal fertility status? Do you go for funny? Do you bluntly answer it's none of their business?

I love some of the suggestions from these moms. But I am always looking for good ideas for snappy comebacks.

So far my favorite is honesty, followed by, "And how were your children conceived?"

More on role reversals

When you're the mom of an only child, you spend a lot of time wearing the hats of the other people who aren't in your child's life. The Boy Wonder, for example, treats me at times like his mom (which I am), a best friend or a big sister (which, obviously, I am not).

This can be good or bad... but I choose to see it as good. He tells me things I would never have told my mother. I love that I will pick him up from school and he will confide in me in a way I never could with my parents. Not that I didn't love them, but there were some things I reserved for my big sister or brother, things I thought they'd understand better. He still wants to spend time with me. I'm still cool. I keep waiting for him to decide he doesn't want to be seen with me in public. It hasn't happened yet. He likes to ride bikes with him mom. He likes to help me walk our two dogs. He loves to snuggle up next to me on the couch while I read my book and he reads his.

The downside - I don't think the Boy Wonder forms close friendships with kids his own age as easily as other kids do. I don't know whether that's because of the only child thing - I suspect there are other factors at play in his personality - but I wouldn't be surprised if it plays a part. He spends all his time with grown-ups (namely, me and his dad), so he relates better to those who are older than him than he does his classmates. I haven't figured out how to help him with that - or whether I even should. I don't know whether it's better to hold back and let him make those connections when and if he wants to - or if I should encourage him to make play dates. Certainly he plays just fine with the kids his age at recess - and tells me all about it when he gets into the Mini-van of Awesome (TM) after school. But there's no one I would identify as his best friend. And I don't honestly know. Is that my fault?

Who's the parent?

I find that a lot of the time, my only child, the Boy Wonder, tries to parent me instead of the other way around. He's fiercely independent and strong-willed (did I mention strong-willed?), so he thinks he knows better than we do anyway. But I guess if you spend all your time around grown-ups, you start to take a grown-up perspective on things.

So of course I struggle with that. For example, today, we had kind of a stand-off over the Wearing of the Coat. He doesn't think he needs it. I do. He thinks he knows best. I don't. I'm guessing that's not out of the ordinary for his age group, with or without siblings - the need to assert independence and push boundaries. But then there's the other side of that - when he thinks he knows what's best for ME.

Tonight, the Boy Wonder noted the time and pointed out it was past my bedtime (job hazard - his bedtime is, in fact, after mine). Sigh. Didn't realize I still had a curfew.

Linky linky

Who's up for some resources? I mean, if we're going to have a party and start a club, let's really do it.

First, AMEN SISTER to every thing on this list. I am actually kind of dying to ask the next person who asks me how the Boy Wonder was conceived about their sex life.

And can I get another AMEN SISTER for this one? I lost so much respect for Elizabeth Banks. Sigh.

Advice to the parent of the only child, here.

I can so relate to this woman's plight, too. Got any words of wisdom for her? Or me? I always feel like the only mom with only one kid in the line to pick up my son from school.

On those lines - why not see if you can find some other moms of onlies? Meetup.com has a searchable-by-zip feature for you.

Let's get this party started

So... over time, and with the benefit of hindsight, I've come to realize something about myself: moms of only children take a lot of crap.

Is that you, too? Your friends with the brood of three just don't take you seriously when you talk about how intense and hard to handle your one is. You find yourself accommodating the high-strung, brilliant creature God gifted you with... with all the care and focus of a bomb squad tech.

My son, the Boy Wonder, is ten now. I am infertile, so it would've taken some work (and possibly divine help) for him to have a younger sibling anyway. But I sometimes think I probably would have tried more seriously to have more if he hadn't been the way he is. Not that he's not still a Miracle Baby in every sense of the word. Not that I don't love him to pieces. Not that I don't thank God for him all the time. I do. But he's also precocious, and intense, and high-strung, and strong-willed... and a lot of other things that make him the Boy Wonder, but also make him enough for one family. Would we have tried more seriously for another baby if the Boy Wonder had been an easy baby? I don't know... but if I'm honest, I think the answer is probably yes.

Now that he's more mature, I have been thinking about this a lot. Now that he's older, I probably could go through the babyhood and toddlerdom thing again, but my body's older too, so it's much less likely to happen even without the infertility thing on top of it. So I'm good with that. I'm OK with the idea that he will always be not just my firstborn but my only-born. But I do worry that I have done him a disservice somehow by not requiring him to endure sibling rivalry.

That's what brought me here. Is this you? Are you a mom with an only kid saying, "Amen, sister" right now? I think it's high time we band together.